"Never regret love, Holland. No matter how blind, it improved your world view. No matter how foolish, it made you wiser. And no matter how generous, it made you more...The Universe"
"I'm in love/I'm in love again/I'm in love I'm in love and isn't is a crime? Isn't it a crying shame?" - Proud Lady from The Baker's Wife by Stephen Schwartz and Joseph Stein.
So, I suppose I'm slowly compiling things that have happened to me recently in the hopes that I'll be able to get my shit together and send out an email to my loved ones telling them what I've been up to...
I fell in love about 10 months ago. I'm sure that it wasn't that long ago, since it probably took about a month to fall and then a couple more months to fully realize the extent of it, but the first moment - the first spark of realization that I could be in love with this person was 10 months, 3 days and perhaps 2 hours ago.
I began this blog as a means to fall in love with myself and almost as soon as I created it, I ran smack into someone who seemingly came from nowhere and moved into my heart. I don't think I've fully realized Loving Myself Silly; that will be an lifelong goal for me. I have, however, fully realized who I am enough to give it to someone else.
Loving myself vs loving what is vs loving others: I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my parents in the context of my relationship with my partner. I've given myself more wholly to my partner and I think that's a good thing. I look at the kids I babysit for and I believe there is a moment of separation, whether it comes at age 8, 15, 18, 45 or 89. That moment didn't happen for me until I started dating and especially in recent Moments, I've felt a strong disconnect when it comes to who I want to share my day with or who I want to cuddle with at night. It's the weirdest thing and I don't know if I like it.
A friend of mine recently blogged about being deeply connected to her family, which allowed her to love herself and not fear single-ness. Because I love and admire her, I wonder whether or not I truly love myself or if I'm allowing someone to love myself for me. I fear that my present happiness is a detriment to my past happiness and, especially if I share it, I will push away what was once there.
Perhaps this is why I've been silenced recently.
In fact, I'm pretty sure it is.
"When you hear words that hurt, distract, or disappoint, Holland, at minimum, a silent whisper of gratitude is due the soul who unwittingly risked friendship with a spiritual giant, so that you might sooner understand that words needn't ever hurt, distract, or disappoint...The Universe"
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I have been silenced
"Having trouble reading the emotions of a #Virgo? Ya, we all do." -Sexstrology
I've been silenced for a while now.
It might be because of my fear of other peoples' opinions, it might be because I've told myself that I have nothing to say. It might be because I feel that I have abandoned my journal in the hopes that I would write more online...in the hopes that other people would read what I'm thinking and respond. So as not to feel lonely. It might be because I haven't felt lonely in a while. Which might mean I'm lucky. Which could lead to a completely different world view than the one I have now.
It might be because I lost my collection of quotes that I wanted to share on this blog because of a computer error that was mostly my fault. The feelings of guilt and sadness might have overcome my desire to write and post so that I stopped.
It might be because I think that posting on the internet is not my game. It's something that those close to me are very good at and seem to be updated on constantly with their iphones, blackberries and other such equipment that makes it easier to stay connected at every moment of the day. Perhaps I'm becoming an old woman and I want to stay as far away from the computer as possible. Or perhaps I haven't had time.
Whatever it is, it has kept me from updating those I love. I could receive a response that might turn my entire day around and I back down at the thought of having to compile a list of all the things I've done since graduation.
So I suppose I've been busy.
And busy is a good thing.
Right?
"The odd thing about the often long and lonely path of life, Holland, is that when you get to the end of it and look back, you'll find that it was neither of these...The Universe"
I've been silenced for a while now.
It might be because of my fear of other peoples' opinions, it might be because I've told myself that I have nothing to say. It might be because I feel that I have abandoned my journal in the hopes that I would write more online...in the hopes that other people would read what I'm thinking and respond. So as not to feel lonely. It might be because I haven't felt lonely in a while. Which might mean I'm lucky. Which could lead to a completely different world view than the one I have now.
It might be because I lost my collection of quotes that I wanted to share on this blog because of a computer error that was mostly my fault. The feelings of guilt and sadness might have overcome my desire to write and post so that I stopped.
It might be because I think that posting on the internet is not my game. It's something that those close to me are very good at and seem to be updated on constantly with their iphones, blackberries and other such equipment that makes it easier to stay connected at every moment of the day. Perhaps I'm becoming an old woman and I want to stay as far away from the computer as possible. Or perhaps I haven't had time.
Whatever it is, it has kept me from updating those I love. I could receive a response that might turn my entire day around and I back down at the thought of having to compile a list of all the things I've done since graduation.
So I suppose I've been busy.
And busy is a good thing.
Right?
"The odd thing about the often long and lonely path of life, Holland, is that when you get to the end of it and look back, you'll find that it was neither of these...The Universe"
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