The number the number the number.
Ugh.
Today, I am trying to deal with my weighing-in number. Maybe it was the scale, maybe it was the chocolate bar, maybe I'll always be this number
but I'm going to FIGHT until it doesn't matter any more.
I wanted to come on here and write a big FUCK you to the number (no, I will not give it capitals because it is not that important). I wanted to say GUESS WHAT? I don't care. I'm going to look in the mirror and I'm going to love myself anyway.
Well, I tried that and the truth is I was seeing the number all over. Oh, there's where I get the number. And under here is the number, too. I became sick over my mind's decision based on a stupid fucking number.
What I can say is this: today I am deciding to fight. fight. fight. Fight with every FUCK YOU in my being. I am not just saying "I'm working on it," and letting it get to me anyway. Today, I am making a promise to myself to fight this demon straight up, face to face. Every time the number comes into my head, I will replace it with a positive thought. Every time I think something poor about myself because of the number, I will find at least 5 things that I am grateful to have. It's selfish, isn't it? To complain about all the things we don't have. When in reality, we have so much. Each and every one of us, we are so rich with emotion and character and energy. Every single day. And there's avocados and slides and cotton candy and puppies and kittens and babies and ice cream and smiles. Why keep telling ourselves about the things that aren't as good?
As corny as it may sound...
Today, I am FIGHTING for the Good. I am FIGHTING for the Love.
"Think of someone very, very special to you.
Now feel yourself bursting with love for them.
Now mentally shower, drench, and soak them in that love.
Now mentally shower, drench, and soak yourself, Holland, in my love.
Cascades,
The Universe"
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
FAT is 'Fit' With and Attitude (-MADtv)
I used to think I didn't have material for a one woman show. Well, I am now convinced I have enough material for a one woman SAGA.
Here's a story: Men and women existed. Whether you believe in the Adam and Eve theory or you're more of an Evolutionary person, let's just say that, at some point in history, Men and Women became a force in the Universe, mmk? In any case, I'm pretty sure those beings weighed their absolute natural weight because they were probably only eating from the earth. I mean, unless there's some magical passage in the Bible I don't know about that includes God putting Twix into the deli next to Moses' hut (which I probably wouldn't believe anyway since I'm a little skeptical of who actually wrote original religious texts), I think that's how Men, Women, Food and Weight initially related to one another.
ANYWAY.
They ate what was available. Then, some thousands of years later, processed foods came into the cycle. People ate them. They were easier. The enlightenment surrounding microwaves put less of a strain on dinner preparation. Companies began to feed off of peoples' need for Fast Food (in the purest sense, food that was delivered fast). None of these things promoted health, because what is healthy usually takes time. Eventually this unhealthy food became a problem for Men and Women. A panic arose because now people were larger than they [allegedly] were in some ancient Golden Era. And some people in the world weren't being fed at all. How could some be overweight and some be so much under it? It was decided that being overweight was a crime and should be punishable by a life of misery and longing-to-be-thin. Apparently, in the New World, thin people were more happy. To be a good person, Men and Women were told, one must be Thin.
Here's a question: wasn't the reason for weight gain created by the same people who now advocate extreme weight loss?
Wasn't it McDonalds who created the Big Mac...and the [lower calorie] McGrill Sandwich?
****
And now, a response to people who have brought me down recently: I read all available 70 comments in response to the book Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby because it was endlessly fascinating and, of course, fed my unfortunate masochistic nature. If anything, it taught me to think and RETHINK my intentions the next time I want to use the term 'While...' in any of it's vicious, disingenuous forms.
trulymadly, May 11, 2009
I am not the intended audience, so the book did not speak to me. Googling "Fat-o-sphere," brings up an interesting fact (notice no quotes) from the CDC. Over 10% of healthcare costs are due to obesity. As a taxpayer, I'm helping to pay that bill. I'm all for self esteem, but denial that leads to money out of my pocket makes me angry!
So, what you're saying is: you're not the intended audience (by the way, who do you think is the intended audience?), the book didn't make sense to you and you're angry at the obesity epidemic because it means more money from you. Are you really 'all for self-esteem' or do you just need to use that term so that people don't think you're telling them to stop loving themselves in favor of your pocket money?
sophiekat, September 22, 2009
I agree that no-one should hate themselves for being fat. They should hate themselves for being failures. Kate Harding, Marianne Kirby and the entire fat acceptance movement are despicable because they are preaching the attitude of failure. The idea that it’s impossible to lose 20 or even 100 pounds, and keep it off, is absolutely laughable. I’ve done it and several of my friends have too. People like Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby don’t want you to succeed because it would only highlight their failure.
Let me see if I understand this argument. I'll give you a proof. Harding + Kirby + fat acceptance movement = attitude of Failure. Failure = hating one's self. Harding + Kirby = [attitude of] hating one's self.
If Harding + Kate = 500lbs, as some of the other comments mentioned, which is considered Morbidly Obese (or, FAT)...doesn't that mean Fat = Hating One's Self? Doesn't that falsify your initial claim?
Fat Acceptance, May 5, 2009
I suppose if you have decided that living a healthy lifestyle is not something that you want to do this might be the book for you. If you feel that a life inactivity and completely unregulated eating habits are what you want you might as well get into fat acceptance because you will get/stay obese so you might as well accept it...If you are going to be morbidly obese anyway and are too weak willed or indifferent to adopt a healthy lifestyle you are better off accepting yourself than hating yourself...While the goal of loving one's self is admirable, this book goes about reaching that goal by simply saying all we know about science is wrong.
To respond in kind, I might say this: while I think you're wrong about the goals of the Fat Acceptance Movement in the first place, I'll argue with you anyway.
To argue, I'll ask this: if an inactive life, full of unregulated eating habits and a morbidly obese body (as a result) makes someone Love everything about themselves, would you still think Loving one's self was admirable?
LittleMouse, September 3, 2009
The fatosphere and so-called fat acceptance are a joke, and a sick one at that. Just because there are some fat people who are healthy (as far as they know) and some thin people who aren't, doesn't mean it's OK to be massively overweight. It means there are many factors involved in being healthy, and bodyweight is one of them. And secondly, what part of MORBID obesity don’t you people understand?
Here is the only thing I have to say to this person and it will be my last point for now: fat acceptance - what I like to call my 'Body Project' - is something that even thin women may need. In fact, it is probably the thinner women that need it more than the curvy ones. Someone who is at weight or even underweight could look in the mirror and understand the term 'MORBID obesity' more than you could even imagine. Where is your ACCEPTANCE of the reality that not all weight issues surround physical ideals? What part of eating DISORDER don't you understand?
Here's a story: Men and women existed. Whether you believe in the Adam and Eve theory or you're more of an Evolutionary person, let's just say that, at some point in history, Men and Women became a force in the Universe, mmk? In any case, I'm pretty sure those beings weighed their absolute natural weight because they were probably only eating from the earth. I mean, unless there's some magical passage in the Bible I don't know about that includes God putting Twix into the deli next to Moses' hut (which I probably wouldn't believe anyway since I'm a little skeptical of who actually wrote original religious texts), I think that's how Men, Women, Food and Weight initially related to one another.
ANYWAY.
They ate what was available. Then, some thousands of years later, processed foods came into the cycle. People ate them. They were easier. The enlightenment surrounding microwaves put less of a strain on dinner preparation. Companies began to feed off of peoples' need for Fast Food (in the purest sense, food that was delivered fast). None of these things promoted health, because what is healthy usually takes time. Eventually this unhealthy food became a problem for Men and Women. A panic arose because now people were larger than they [allegedly] were in some ancient Golden Era. And some people in the world weren't being fed at all. How could some be overweight and some be so much under it? It was decided that being overweight was a crime and should be punishable by a life of misery and longing-to-be-thin. Apparently, in the New World, thin people were more happy. To be a good person, Men and Women were told, one must be Thin.
Here's a question: wasn't the reason for weight gain created by the same people who now advocate extreme weight loss?
Wasn't it McDonalds who created the Big Mac...and the [lower calorie] McGrill Sandwich?
****
And now, a response to people who have brought me down recently: I read all available 70 comments in response to the book Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby because it was endlessly fascinating and, of course, fed my unfortunate masochistic nature. If anything, it taught me to think and RETHINK my intentions the next time I want to use the term 'While...' in any of it's vicious, disingenuous forms.
trulymadly, May 11, 2009
I am not the intended audience, so the book did not speak to me. Googling "Fat-o-sphere," brings up an interesting fact (notice no quotes) from the CDC. Over 10% of healthcare costs are due to obesity. As a taxpayer, I'm helping to pay that bill. I'm all for self esteem, but denial that leads to money out of my pocket makes me angry!
So, what you're saying is: you're not the intended audience (by the way, who do you think is the intended audience?), the book didn't make sense to you and you're angry at the obesity epidemic because it means more money from you. Are you really 'all for self-esteem' or do you just need to use that term so that people don't think you're telling them to stop loving themselves in favor of your pocket money?
sophiekat, September 22, 2009
I agree that no-one should hate themselves for being fat. They should hate themselves for being failures. Kate Harding, Marianne Kirby and the entire fat acceptance movement are despicable because they are preaching the attitude of failure. The idea that it’s impossible to lose 20 or even 100 pounds, and keep it off, is absolutely laughable. I’ve done it and several of my friends have too. People like Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby don’t want you to succeed because it would only highlight their failure.
Let me see if I understand this argument. I'll give you a proof. Harding + Kirby + fat acceptance movement = attitude of Failure. Failure = hating one's self. Harding + Kirby = [attitude of] hating one's self.
If Harding + Kate = 500lbs, as some of the other comments mentioned, which is considered Morbidly Obese (or, FAT)...doesn't that mean Fat = Hating One's Self? Doesn't that falsify your initial claim?
Fat Acceptance, May 5, 2009
I suppose if you have decided that living a healthy lifestyle is not something that you want to do this might be the book for you. If you feel that a life inactivity and completely unregulated eating habits are what you want you might as well get into fat acceptance because you will get/stay obese so you might as well accept it...If you are going to be morbidly obese anyway and are too weak willed or indifferent to adopt a healthy lifestyle you are better off accepting yourself than hating yourself...While the goal of loving one's self is admirable, this book goes about reaching that goal by simply saying all we know about science is wrong.
To respond in kind, I might say this: while I think you're wrong about the goals of the Fat Acceptance Movement in the first place, I'll argue with you anyway.
To argue, I'll ask this: if an inactive life, full of unregulated eating habits and a morbidly obese body (as a result) makes someone Love everything about themselves, would you still think Loving one's self was admirable?
LittleMouse, September 3, 2009
The fatosphere and so-called fat acceptance are a joke, and a sick one at that. Just because there are some fat people who are healthy (as far as they know) and some thin people who aren't, doesn't mean it's OK to be massively overweight. It means there are many factors involved in being healthy, and bodyweight is one of them. And secondly, what part of MORBID obesity don’t you people understand?
Here is the only thing I have to say to this person and it will be my last point for now: fat acceptance - what I like to call my 'Body Project' - is something that even thin women may need. In fact, it is probably the thinner women that need it more than the curvy ones. Someone who is at weight or even underweight could look in the mirror and understand the term 'MORBID obesity' more than you could even imagine. Where is your ACCEPTANCE of the reality that not all weight issues surround physical ideals? What part of eating DISORDER don't you understand?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Most times, help comes in the form of beautiful quotes...
“The only way to deal with jealousy is to give out 10x the amount of Love you seek (because everyone wants to be appreciated)” - Holland
“Hold fast to your dreams
for if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly”
- Langston Hughes
"Hey, Holland... It's OK. Everything is fine. You've always been guided. Even now you are watched, and held, and adored. You've made great stuff happen, and you will make more great stuff happen. You've changed lives. You've changed your own. You've moved mountains and done the impossible. You've been scared and you overcame. You've been knocked down and you rose. And you've been lost, or so you thought, only to discover it was just the calm before another storm of creativity, love, and fun....Holland... it's "way" OK. Schools here have your name on them and our coaches teach the "Holland Hamilton Method" to their advanced students." -The Universe
"...Bring in the light of consciousness
who was she
who are they
who are we
And with this unveiling we see the awesome dimensions to this family
we are unearthing the path of recovery
and in the questioning
comes the who am i
out of the listening
comes through You am I
through You am I"
-Section from "Lydia in the Wind" by Lueen Conning-Ndlovu:
“Hold fast to your dreams
for if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly”
- Langston Hughes
"Hey, Holland... It's OK. Everything is fine. You've always been guided. Even now you are watched, and held, and adored. You've made great stuff happen, and you will make more great stuff happen. You've changed lives. You've changed your own. You've moved mountains and done the impossible. You've been scared and you overcame. You've been knocked down and you rose. And you've been lost, or so you thought, only to discover it was just the calm before another storm of creativity, love, and fun....Holland... it's "way" OK. Schools here have your name on them and our coaches teach the "Holland Hamilton Method" to their advanced students." -The Universe
"...Bring in the light of consciousness
who was she
who are they
who are we
And with this unveiling we see the awesome dimensions to this family
we are unearthing the path of recovery
and in the questioning
comes the who am i
out of the listening
comes through You am I
through You am I"
-Section from "Lydia in the Wind" by Lueen Conning-Ndlovu:
A Darker Moment
If I’m not strong, what am I?
If I’m not smart, what am I?
If I’m not perfect, what else can I be?
I’m not pretty.
I’m not skinny.
I’m not tan
And I’m not tall.
Some say I shouldn’t think those things.
But it comes incessantly And I try to ignore it
And I try to counteract it
And I try to be strong.
Cuz if I’m not strong…
If I’m not smart, what am I?
If I’m not perfect, what else can I be?
I’m not pretty.
I’m not skinny.
I’m not tan
And I’m not tall.
Some say I shouldn’t think those things.
But it comes incessantly And I try to ignore it
And I try to counteract it
And I try to be strong.
Cuz if I’m not strong…
We can laugh at things now
We can laugh at things now
the painful, the awful, the insecure.
We an laugh about it now.
Whether it took us 8 hours or 8 years to get over
Whether it was something big or something small
We can laugh about it all
We can laugh about it now.
There’s something to laughing
that makes us feel better
A jolly, breathy act of releasing
any unhappiness into the ether
We can laugh at things now
no matter what they were
and even if you’re still holding onto it
you’ll laugh if someone else does
cuz
We can laugh about it now.
“For the earnest student, Holland, taking responsibility means never forgetting to have fun. Seriously…Play, Holland, play. That is, if you want to be responsible.” – The Universe
the painful, the awful, the insecure.
We an laugh about it now.
Whether it took us 8 hours or 8 years to get over
Whether it was something big or something small
We can laugh about it all
We can laugh about it now.
There’s something to laughing
that makes us feel better
A jolly, breathy act of releasing
any unhappiness into the ether
We can laugh at things now
no matter what they were
and even if you’re still holding onto it
you’ll laugh if someone else does
cuz
We can laugh about it now.
“For the earnest student, Holland, taking responsibility means never forgetting to have fun. Seriously…Play, Holland, play. That is, if you want to be responsible.” – The Universe
Monday, May 24, 2010
I Don't Expect Unconditional Love
The first step. Is admitting. The Problem.
I don't expect unconditional Love.
Not even from myself.
In fact, I don't even expect regular Love.
I'm not sure where I learned it
but somehow I've been caught
in this idea that you have to WORK
to EARN
your Love.
I'm know it wasn't my parents
they continuously Love me
even through dark times
and times when I travel
they're always there
and they ALWAYS care.
I'm positive it wasn't my friends
we barely ever fought.
When we did
it was more like
a few choice words
turned into tears
turned into
"let's not fight anymore."
I'm pretty sure it wasn't school
some kids were cruel
but many weren't
and I was happy to make up that they didn't like me
but it was probably because
I didn't really like myself.
I never had trouble with teachers
well, until last year.
I've always been a perfectionist
and while that shows well in grades
it creates deep, deep fear.
I suppose that's what it is.
Now that I've gone through it.
It was the fear of failing and I never knew it.
I built up expecations because I couldn't let go
and now I'm not sure why everyone expects so
much.
Many underachievers will tell you
that they don't want people to expect too much.
I guess I raised the bar high
too high for me to grasp
and I think that anything I do badly
will forever outlast
the Good.
I don't expect unconditional Love.
Not even from myself.
In fact, I don't even expect regular Love.
I'm not sure where I learned it
but somehow I've been caught
in this idea that you have to WORK
to EARN
your Love.
I'm know it wasn't my parents
they continuously Love me
even through dark times
and times when I travel
they're always there
and they ALWAYS care.
I'm positive it wasn't my friends
we barely ever fought.
When we did
it was more like
a few choice words
turned into tears
turned into
"let's not fight anymore."
I'm pretty sure it wasn't school
some kids were cruel
but many weren't
and I was happy to make up that they didn't like me
but it was probably because
I didn't really like myself.
I never had trouble with teachers
well, until last year.
I've always been a perfectionist
and while that shows well in grades
it creates deep, deep fear.
I suppose that's what it is.
Now that I've gone through it.
It was the fear of failing and I never knew it.
I built up expecations because I couldn't let go
and now I'm not sure why everyone expects so
much.
Many underachievers will tell you
that they don't want people to expect too much.
I guess I raised the bar high
too high for me to grasp
and I think that anything I do badly
will forever outlast
the Good.
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