"Never regret love, Holland. No matter how blind, it improved your world view. No matter how foolish, it made you wiser. And no matter how generous, it made you more...The Universe"
"I'm in love/I'm in love again/I'm in love I'm in love and isn't is a crime? Isn't it a crying shame?" - Proud Lady from The Baker's Wife by Stephen Schwartz and Joseph Stein.
So, I suppose I'm slowly compiling things that have happened to me recently in the hopes that I'll be able to get my shit together and send out an email to my loved ones telling them what I've been up to...
I fell in love about 10 months ago. I'm sure that it wasn't that long ago, since it probably took about a month to fall and then a couple more months to fully realize the extent of it, but the first moment - the first spark of realization that I could be in love with this person was 10 months, 3 days and perhaps 2 hours ago.
I began this blog as a means to fall in love with myself and almost as soon as I created it, I ran smack into someone who seemingly came from nowhere and moved into my heart. I don't think I've fully realized Loving Myself Silly; that will be an lifelong goal for me. I have, however, fully realized who I am enough to give it to someone else.
Loving myself vs loving what is vs loving others: I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my parents in the context of my relationship with my partner. I've given myself more wholly to my partner and I think that's a good thing. I look at the kids I babysit for and I believe there is a moment of separation, whether it comes at age 8, 15, 18, 45 or 89. That moment didn't happen for me until I started dating and especially in recent Moments, I've felt a strong disconnect when it comes to who I want to share my day with or who I want to cuddle with at night. It's the weirdest thing and I don't know if I like it.
A friend of mine recently blogged about being deeply connected to her family, which allowed her to love herself and not fear single-ness. Because I love and admire her, I wonder whether or not I truly love myself or if I'm allowing someone to love myself for me. I fear that my present happiness is a detriment to my past happiness and, especially if I share it, I will push away what was once there.
Perhaps this is why I've been silenced recently.
In fact, I'm pretty sure it is.
"When you hear words that hurt, distract, or disappoint, Holland, at minimum, a silent whisper of gratitude is due the soul who unwittingly risked friendship with a spiritual giant, so that you might sooner understand that words needn't ever hurt, distract, or disappoint...The Universe"
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