...it's an easy way out of commitment. I know that's really fucked up. I seem to be getting that a lot. Well, I still stand by Clementine's brave statement in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind: "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
"All that you need to have, all that you want...will be provided, as if by magic, once you know what you want and do something about it every day." - The Universe
I don't know what I want because I haven't given myself the chance to search for it. Ever since I can remember I've wanted to be loved. All through high school I dreamed about being one of those girls with a guy on their arm constantly. In college I dreamed about being a girl who always had someone to go home to. The truth was, throughout all this daydreaming, I refused to look at and appreciate what was right in front of me: a bunch of people - too many for me to believe - who loved me for being exactly who I was. People who knew deep down I loved being me and they loved me for that. People who would give anything for a moment with me and people who would go to hell and back for me. People who tread water with me, people who got slapped in the face by me, people who I should have been more honest with and perhaps people I over-shared with too often. I've loved and appreciated all these people but I've barely committed to any of them. I don't trust them and I don't give them enough credit. Of course now I'm asking myself why? Why don't I trust people? Why am I so scared to give everything to one person? Why do I say yes one day and no the next? Why don't I have any patience with myself or with others? Why do I give everyone such a hard time when it comes to love?
I have no answers. What I have is a genuine opportunity to step back and spend some quality time with myself: to gently explore and learn more about myself. Here are some things I've gathered so far:
-I really enjoy laughing. Like, from my belly and into your personal space laughing. If that makes you uncomfortable, don't make me laugh.
- I love people. If you don't love people, it may be difficult to be with me because I will always look for the positive. However, let me offer this: many people who say they hate people have told me, moments later, that deep down they actually love people.
-I can be your best friend or I can be your lover but I'm having trouble committing to anything fully right now. I can't love you until I love myself. I don't know how long that will be. Sorry.
-I don't want to hurt people so I rearrange myself to make them more comfortable and then I become resentful that they don't recognize how hard I'm working for them.
-I REQUIRE A LOT OF ATTENTION and I am very selfish (hey, I am an only child)
-I'd really like to trust people more and I wish they would stop taking advantage of me.
- "Virgo only talks about their inner most feelings with the closest of lovers." (Sexstrology) I am fiercely honest with those I truly love. If you find me blunt and intimidating, it's because I like you.
- Having said that, I should probably add that I can dish it out but I have a terrible time taking it. I'm working o it. If you can avoid criticizing me harshly, I'd greatly appreciate it. Whatever you've suddenly figured out about me is most likely something I yell at myself about 10 times a day.
- I'm a huge flirt and I'm incredibly jealous.
-I work with kids because I love the way they view the world. And because they make very funny stories. Again, if the laughing makes you uncomfortable, don't ask me about kids.
"Be yourself as often as possible, because it is this truth that will make it easier to find true friends." - Anonymous
Friday, January 20, 2012
Monday, November 21, 2011
What's New
First, if you get a chance check out the following song: "Don't You Want to Share" by Kate Nash. It's the story of my life right now and I have to thank Hope Rehak (hoperehak.com) for inviting me to Kate Nash's music.
"When I'm quiet people think I'm sad. And usually, I am." - Kate Nash
" "Our elders know you don't find the answer by asking thousands of questions," says an essay on the website of the environmentalist group The Last Tree (thelasttree.net). "The wise way is to ask the right question in the beginning." I recommend this approach for you in the coming weeks, Virgo. Given the sparkly mysteriousness that now confronts you, I know you may be tempted to simultaneously try a lot of different routes to greater clarity. But the more effective strategy in the long run is to cultivate silence and stillness as you wait expectantly for the intuition that will reveal the simple, direct path." - Free Will Astrology. Virgo, week of November 17th
Recently I've done several things that have fucked up my life: fallen out of love, fallen in love again and then took a trip I didn't want to take.
Also, I've done several things that have improved my quality of life immensely: fallen out of live, fallen in love again and then took a trip I didn't want to take.
My big moments of self-discovery usually go the same way. I agonize, analyze and worry over the fact that I need to make a change until I'm so fed up I either leave the stifling environment or break something within it (I think the latter has only happened once or twice in my life, so don't worry about your valuables around me. Usually I break stuff within myself). I knew that my 5th anniversary, topped with my 22nd birthday and my brand-spanking new adult life in the same room I grew up in was going to come to a point, I just didn't know when. Unfortunately it came at an extremely unfortunate moment - mid-coitus - and so thaaaaaat was a thing.
After me crying a lot and then others crying a lot, I finally got my body moving, which was the best choice. I took a long walk on the side of the road in Oberlin, OH and remembered why I love this place so much. On my walk, all the cars that passed me moved to the side so as not to hurt me, I saw a young fawn walk across the road and wink at me and by the end of my walk I had made some shocking discoveries about my personality that, I believe, will help me as I move through to the end of this year (at least). The main thing is that I have absolutely NO patience. I want everything to happen now, now, now and if it doesn't I'm completely distraught and disappointed in myself for not making it happen. I suppose it's a symptom of having grown up in the center of the center of the universe (as we like to call it), or AKA Times Square. If you weren't moving, you weren't living. I found that a speeding bus was not quite fast enough and I began to walk most of my distances by the time I was 7 years old. It's not the worst thing in the world, I mean I never have any complaints about the size and shape of my ass, so I'm grateful for that small fortunate side effect. I think, though, it's time in my life to slow down. It's time to meditate and take time for myself. It's time to be patient with myself and REALLY EXTRA SPECIALLY patient with others. It's a perfect place for me to be practicing that since it was Oberlin College that taught me to slow my walking pace and for those who know me that's incredibly difficult to do even when I have nowhere in particular to go.
If there's something I could impart to anyone listening this week it's Slow Down. Not everything has to be as fast as your morning cup of coffee.
"Gosh, Holland, sometimes to hear you talk, or to listen to you think, one could get the impression that you have absolutely no idea of how extraordinarily well you use your gifts, or of the difference you've been making."
"When I'm quiet people think I'm sad. And usually, I am." - Kate Nash
" "Our elders know you don't find the answer by asking thousands of questions," says an essay on the website of the environmentalist group The Last Tree (thelasttree.net). "The wise way is to ask the right question in the beginning." I recommend this approach for you in the coming weeks, Virgo. Given the sparkly mysteriousness that now confronts you, I know you may be tempted to simultaneously try a lot of different routes to greater clarity. But the more effective strategy in the long run is to cultivate silence and stillness as you wait expectantly for the intuition that will reveal the simple, direct path." - Free Will Astrology. Virgo, week of November 17th
Recently I've done several things that have fucked up my life: fallen out of love, fallen in love again and then took a trip I didn't want to take.
Also, I've done several things that have improved my quality of life immensely: fallen out of live, fallen in love again and then took a trip I didn't want to take.
My big moments of self-discovery usually go the same way. I agonize, analyze and worry over the fact that I need to make a change until I'm so fed up I either leave the stifling environment or break something within it (I think the latter has only happened once or twice in my life, so don't worry about your valuables around me. Usually I break stuff within myself). I knew that my 5th anniversary, topped with my 22nd birthday and my brand-spanking new adult life in the same room I grew up in was going to come to a point, I just didn't know when. Unfortunately it came at an extremely unfortunate moment - mid-coitus - and so thaaaaaat was a thing.
After me crying a lot and then others crying a lot, I finally got my body moving, which was the best choice. I took a long walk on the side of the road in Oberlin, OH and remembered why I love this place so much. On my walk, all the cars that passed me moved to the side so as not to hurt me, I saw a young fawn walk across the road and wink at me and by the end of my walk I had made some shocking discoveries about my personality that, I believe, will help me as I move through to the end of this year (at least). The main thing is that I have absolutely NO patience. I want everything to happen now, now, now and if it doesn't I'm completely distraught and disappointed in myself for not making it happen. I suppose it's a symptom of having grown up in the center of the center of the universe (as we like to call it), or AKA Times Square. If you weren't moving, you weren't living. I found that a speeding bus was not quite fast enough and I began to walk most of my distances by the time I was 7 years old. It's not the worst thing in the world, I mean I never have any complaints about the size and shape of my ass, so I'm grateful for that small fortunate side effect. I think, though, it's time in my life to slow down. It's time to meditate and take time for myself. It's time to be patient with myself and REALLY EXTRA SPECIALLY patient with others. It's a perfect place for me to be practicing that since it was Oberlin College that taught me to slow my walking pace and for those who know me that's incredibly difficult to do even when I have nowhere in particular to go.
If there's something I could impart to anyone listening this week it's Slow Down. Not everything has to be as fast as your morning cup of coffee.
"Gosh, Holland, sometimes to hear you talk, or to listen to you think, one could get the impression that you have absolutely no idea of how extraordinarily well you use your gifts, or of the difference you've been making."
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Lovedy Love blulova...
"Never regret love, Holland. No matter how blind, it improved your world view. No matter how foolish, it made you wiser. And no matter how generous, it made you more...The Universe"
"I'm in love/I'm in love again/I'm in love I'm in love and isn't is a crime? Isn't it a crying shame?" - Proud Lady from The Baker's Wife by Stephen Schwartz and Joseph Stein.
So, I suppose I'm slowly compiling things that have happened to me recently in the hopes that I'll be able to get my shit together and send out an email to my loved ones telling them what I've been up to...
I fell in love about 10 months ago. I'm sure that it wasn't that long ago, since it probably took about a month to fall and then a couple more months to fully realize the extent of it, but the first moment - the first spark of realization that I could be in love with this person was 10 months, 3 days and perhaps 2 hours ago.
I began this blog as a means to fall in love with myself and almost as soon as I created it, I ran smack into someone who seemingly came from nowhere and moved into my heart. I don't think I've fully realized Loving Myself Silly; that will be an lifelong goal for me. I have, however, fully realized who I am enough to give it to someone else.
Loving myself vs loving what is vs loving others: I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my parents in the context of my relationship with my partner. I've given myself more wholly to my partner and I think that's a good thing. I look at the kids I babysit for and I believe there is a moment of separation, whether it comes at age 8, 15, 18, 45 or 89. That moment didn't happen for me until I started dating and especially in recent Moments, I've felt a strong disconnect when it comes to who I want to share my day with or who I want to cuddle with at night. It's the weirdest thing and I don't know if I like it.
A friend of mine recently blogged about being deeply connected to her family, which allowed her to love herself and not fear single-ness. Because I love and admire her, I wonder whether or not I truly love myself or if I'm allowing someone to love myself for me. I fear that my present happiness is a detriment to my past happiness and, especially if I share it, I will push away what was once there.
Perhaps this is why I've been silenced recently.
In fact, I'm pretty sure it is.
"When you hear words that hurt, distract, or disappoint, Holland, at minimum, a silent whisper of gratitude is due the soul who unwittingly risked friendship with a spiritual giant, so that you might sooner understand that words needn't ever hurt, distract, or disappoint...The Universe"
"I'm in love/I'm in love again/I'm in love I'm in love and isn't is a crime? Isn't it a crying shame?" - Proud Lady from The Baker's Wife by Stephen Schwartz and Joseph Stein.
So, I suppose I'm slowly compiling things that have happened to me recently in the hopes that I'll be able to get my shit together and send out an email to my loved ones telling them what I've been up to...
I fell in love about 10 months ago. I'm sure that it wasn't that long ago, since it probably took about a month to fall and then a couple more months to fully realize the extent of it, but the first moment - the first spark of realization that I could be in love with this person was 10 months, 3 days and perhaps 2 hours ago.
I began this blog as a means to fall in love with myself and almost as soon as I created it, I ran smack into someone who seemingly came from nowhere and moved into my heart. I don't think I've fully realized Loving Myself Silly; that will be an lifelong goal for me. I have, however, fully realized who I am enough to give it to someone else.
Loving myself vs loving what is vs loving others: I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my parents in the context of my relationship with my partner. I've given myself more wholly to my partner and I think that's a good thing. I look at the kids I babysit for and I believe there is a moment of separation, whether it comes at age 8, 15, 18, 45 or 89. That moment didn't happen for me until I started dating and especially in recent Moments, I've felt a strong disconnect when it comes to who I want to share my day with or who I want to cuddle with at night. It's the weirdest thing and I don't know if I like it.
A friend of mine recently blogged about being deeply connected to her family, which allowed her to love herself and not fear single-ness. Because I love and admire her, I wonder whether or not I truly love myself or if I'm allowing someone to love myself for me. I fear that my present happiness is a detriment to my past happiness and, especially if I share it, I will push away what was once there.
Perhaps this is why I've been silenced recently.
In fact, I'm pretty sure it is.
"When you hear words that hurt, distract, or disappoint, Holland, at minimum, a silent whisper of gratitude is due the soul who unwittingly risked friendship with a spiritual giant, so that you might sooner understand that words needn't ever hurt, distract, or disappoint...The Universe"
I have been silenced
"Having trouble reading the emotions of a #Virgo? Ya, we all do." -Sexstrology
I've been silenced for a while now.
It might be because of my fear of other peoples' opinions, it might be because I've told myself that I have nothing to say. It might be because I feel that I have abandoned my journal in the hopes that I would write more online...in the hopes that other people would read what I'm thinking and respond. So as not to feel lonely. It might be because I haven't felt lonely in a while. Which might mean I'm lucky. Which could lead to a completely different world view than the one I have now.
It might be because I lost my collection of quotes that I wanted to share on this blog because of a computer error that was mostly my fault. The feelings of guilt and sadness might have overcome my desire to write and post so that I stopped.
It might be because I think that posting on the internet is not my game. It's something that those close to me are very good at and seem to be updated on constantly with their iphones, blackberries and other such equipment that makes it easier to stay connected at every moment of the day. Perhaps I'm becoming an old woman and I want to stay as far away from the computer as possible. Or perhaps I haven't had time.
Whatever it is, it has kept me from updating those I love. I could receive a response that might turn my entire day around and I back down at the thought of having to compile a list of all the things I've done since graduation.
So I suppose I've been busy.
And busy is a good thing.
Right?
"The odd thing about the often long and lonely path of life, Holland, is that when you get to the end of it and look back, you'll find that it was neither of these...The Universe"
I've been silenced for a while now.
It might be because of my fear of other peoples' opinions, it might be because I've told myself that I have nothing to say. It might be because I feel that I have abandoned my journal in the hopes that I would write more online...in the hopes that other people would read what I'm thinking and respond. So as not to feel lonely. It might be because I haven't felt lonely in a while. Which might mean I'm lucky. Which could lead to a completely different world view than the one I have now.
It might be because I lost my collection of quotes that I wanted to share on this blog because of a computer error that was mostly my fault. The feelings of guilt and sadness might have overcome my desire to write and post so that I stopped.
It might be because I think that posting on the internet is not my game. It's something that those close to me are very good at and seem to be updated on constantly with their iphones, blackberries and other such equipment that makes it easier to stay connected at every moment of the day. Perhaps I'm becoming an old woman and I want to stay as far away from the computer as possible. Or perhaps I haven't had time.
Whatever it is, it has kept me from updating those I love. I could receive a response that might turn my entire day around and I back down at the thought of having to compile a list of all the things I've done since graduation.
So I suppose I've been busy.
And busy is a good thing.
Right?
"The odd thing about the often long and lonely path of life, Holland, is that when you get to the end of it and look back, you'll find that it was neither of these...The Universe"
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
You Can Hear Me Now (Josie)
“Many American towns with "burg" in their names used to end as "burgh." In the late 19th century, a federal bureau demanded that they drop the silent final "h." The people of Pittsburgh rose, up, however, and demanded the right to retain their precious "h." Their wish was granted. I strongly advise you to be inspired by Pittsburgh's adamant insistence on maintaining its identity, Virgo. Don't let yourself be truncated, abbreviated, or standardized.” - Freewillastrology
Hey
maybe I’ll be an Artist.
Decorate my downtown apartment
in pinks and purples
reds and blues.
Maybe I’ll be the next Audra
Or Liza
Or Julia
Or Anita.
Maybe I’ll dance through town like I owned the place
everyone will know my name
and want to follow me.
Maybe I will do yoga every day
so my body will be tone
I’ll drink things that are green and thin
And my digestive tract will be as clean as a whistle.
Maybe I’ll spend my days flipping through backstage
in my studio apartment
in just-south-of-the-Manhattan-border-Brooklyn
feeding my cat kibbles and bits
smoking a cigarette
and laughing at the voices in my head.
Maybe I’ll pay too much for alcohol
and go mad trying to pay for food
and never make my rent on time
get kicked out
and have to move into a commune somewhere
somewhere far from my home
New York City.
Maybe I’ll believe that one day I’ll be a working artist
That someone will find me
Wind blowing in my face
Beautiful.
Maybe I’ll keep believing
and walking
and going on
no matter what.
Maybe I’ll spend my live in Love with my fellow artists in the struggle
Because
They are
My family.
Hey
maybe I’ll just be a lawyer instead.
Sure, there have been surprises. Some, not so fun. But you have to admit, Holland, with hindsight, moving forward was actually easy. Something worth remembering, The Universe
And there have been surprises, Holland, that suddenly changed your entire life for the better, and there will be many more. Jumanji, baby.
Lately I’ve been really into watching SISTER ACT and SISTER ACT II. I think it’s because I’m so in Love with music. I think it’s because I know that feeling that Whoopi Goldberg is so brilliant at conveying, which is finding out that that thing that you do so well can actually help others. Your Love can affect the world. If you shine, you can help others to shine even brighter with their own fire. I’ve done it abroad, I’ve done at school and I think it’s time for me to bring it back home. I think it’s time for me to get out there and show the world my joy: to shine my light further than before.
I really hope the world is ready because I certainly am.
“Holland, you're the only person who knows what's right for you.
The only one.
And if you already know what this is, commit to it. If you don't, commit to nothing.
Only you know…Whether you commit or not, Holland, get busy. There are still things to do, doors to knock on, stones to overturn, trees to befriend....” – The Universe
”In her haunting tune "One Blood," Virgo singer Lila Downs confesses that "the deepest fear [is] my desire." I personally know many Virgos who make a similar lament. How about you? Is there any way in which you are scared of the power of your longing? Do you ever find yourself reluctant to unleash the full force of your passion, worried that it could drive you out of control or lead you astray? If so, the coming weeks will be prime time to face down your misgivings. It's time to liberate your desires, at least a little.” -Freewillastrology
Hey
maybe I’ll be an Artist.
Decorate my downtown apartment
in pinks and purples
reds and blues.
Maybe I’ll be the next Audra
Or Liza
Or Julia
Or Anita.
Maybe I’ll dance through town like I owned the place
everyone will know my name
and want to follow me.
Maybe I will do yoga every day
so my body will be tone
I’ll drink things that are green and thin
And my digestive tract will be as clean as a whistle.
Maybe I’ll spend my days flipping through backstage
in my studio apartment
in just-south-of-the-Manhattan-border-Brooklyn
feeding my cat kibbles and bits
smoking a cigarette
and laughing at the voices in my head.
Maybe I’ll pay too much for alcohol
and go mad trying to pay for food
and never make my rent on time
get kicked out
and have to move into a commune somewhere
somewhere far from my home
New York City.
Maybe I’ll believe that one day I’ll be a working artist
That someone will find me
Wind blowing in my face
Beautiful.
Maybe I’ll keep believing
and walking
and going on
no matter what.
Maybe I’ll spend my live in Love with my fellow artists in the struggle
Because
They are
My family.
Hey
maybe I’ll just be a lawyer instead.
Sure, there have been surprises. Some, not so fun. But you have to admit, Holland, with hindsight, moving forward was actually easy. Something worth remembering, The Universe
And there have been surprises, Holland, that suddenly changed your entire life for the better, and there will be many more. Jumanji, baby.
Lately I’ve been really into watching SISTER ACT and SISTER ACT II. I think it’s because I’m so in Love with music. I think it’s because I know that feeling that Whoopi Goldberg is so brilliant at conveying, which is finding out that that thing that you do so well can actually help others. Your Love can affect the world. If you shine, you can help others to shine even brighter with their own fire. I’ve done it abroad, I’ve done at school and I think it’s time for me to bring it back home. I think it’s time for me to get out there and show the world my joy: to shine my light further than before.
I really hope the world is ready because I certainly am.
“Holland, you're the only person who knows what's right for you.
The only one.
And if you already know what this is, commit to it. If you don't, commit to nothing.
Only you know…Whether you commit or not, Holland, get busy. There are still things to do, doors to knock on, stones to overturn, trees to befriend....” – The Universe
”In her haunting tune "One Blood," Virgo singer Lila Downs confesses that "the deepest fear [is] my desire." I personally know many Virgos who make a similar lament. How about you? Is there any way in which you are scared of the power of your longing? Do you ever find yourself reluctant to unleash the full force of your passion, worried that it could drive you out of control or lead you astray? If so, the coming weeks will be prime time to face down your misgivings. It's time to liberate your desires, at least a little.” -Freewillastrology
Sex is emotion in motion. ~Mae West
A correction: without changing my original words, I want to acknowledge a flaw in this entry. It was brought to my attention that this post makes it seem like I've never felt Love or that my past partners have never respected me. This was not my intention. I realize that the words do say that and that's why I don't want to change them because what was said was said and I don't want to try to amend that by erasing what was frivolously typed. What I'd like people reading this to know is the following: I am feeling a new sense of self-Love and self-worth. Because of this, I am able to let someone else appreciate me in a way that I haven't experienced before. I have Loved others and they have Loved and respected me as well. What I haven't been able to do is give my whole and best self to someone. I wish I could have done this earlier because it would have made a lot of changes in my past. I am sorry that I didn't make this clear in this entry.
“Some Virgos just have that rare piece of rack that makes them appear so motherly.” – Sexstrology
Sorry I haven’t written in a while…even though I’ve only got about 4 followers, I still feel bad.
I’ve had several horoscopes recently that have resonated with me, not the least of which is the following:
“The nature of the game is changing. Do you know which game I'm referring to? I mean the one that everyone's playing but no one's acknowledging they're playing. The rules of the game had held steady for quite some time, but recently they began to shift. Now even the game's rewards are in the process of metamorphosing. My advice? You don't necessarily need to splash a big dose of raw candor all over the place, but I do recommend that you at least tell yourself the truth about what's going on.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I think I’ve fallen in Love. I didn’t believe it myself, knowing my history. I didn’t think it was possible. I thought I was doomed to a life of running from what I wanted most: someone to love me who I could Love.
So I made a list. I made a list of everything I wanted in a partner and everything I wanted to be a partner. Mostly it was about confidence. Mostly, I wanted someone who would spend all their energy on me and I wanted to accept it because I. Am. Worth. It.
“Virgo has a secret confidence” – Sexstrology.
“And what if, Holland, you'd be bathed in love since birth, but you'd only discover this once you began sharing it - would you roll the dice?” – The Universe
So, I wrote this little list in my journal, not really thinking much of it. I mean, I believed that maybe when I was 80, I’d find that person. But…
...I was in one of those periods – one of those times when everything is going wrong and I hated myself and I wasn’t treating others or myself with the proper respect. I was taking advantage of everyone and letting myself rot in the process.
“Virgo is the type who are well adjusted to make changes in their life.” – Sexstrology
Well, it wasn’t long until I had really messed up a friendship that meant a lot to me and I realized I needed a break. I needed to stop reaching out to others for what I wanted in myself. I took 36 hours off of social networking.
It was the most glorious 36 hours of my entire life.
When I finally returned, I was a little overwhelmed with some responses and underwhelmed with others. You see, I had spent the night with someone who I realized was everything I wanted. And because I had chosen to be completely honest with them, the whole thing unraveled with great love and respect. I hadn’t heard from them in a week and that’s partially why I chose to turn my phone off along with my computer. I still hadn’t heard from this person so I decided to text him myself.
This was the beginning.
“Be honest and considerate with a #Scorpio. They are protective of their feelings, and a Scorpio's feelings are often strong.” -Sexstrology
Without getting into too many details, I’ll just tell you that this beautiful relationship flourished. Something I’ve never felt before – not infatuation, not a desperate need for another person but a communal sense of worth and respect. I care for him and he cares for me. Even Kyle says I look happier and more comfortable than I have in the past.
I want to acknowledge that this is not the End. This is not what’s going to ‘fix’ my issues with self-love or body love. The process, though, that led me to this beautiful moment, will be with me forever: it will be a new tool for the down times. Hope, patience and, of course, a little flirtation and conjuring, even when I don’t think I can. All of those require self-respect. All of those require self-love. To wait is to believe. To believe is to trust. To trust is absolutely divine.
Now to trust this relationship with yet another crazy semester between two people in two different states…
I don't quite get how there can be so many gorgeous people in time and space, Holland, yet so few who choose to see their own beauty.
Choose this, gorgeous.
I do,
The Universe
Are you kidding, Holland? You're way above average! Oh, go on, laugh.
“Some Virgos just have that rare piece of rack that makes them appear so motherly.” – Sexstrology
Sorry I haven’t written in a while…even though I’ve only got about 4 followers, I still feel bad.
I’ve had several horoscopes recently that have resonated with me, not the least of which is the following:
“The nature of the game is changing. Do you know which game I'm referring to? I mean the one that everyone's playing but no one's acknowledging they're playing. The rules of the game had held steady for quite some time, but recently they began to shift. Now even the game's rewards are in the process of metamorphosing. My advice? You don't necessarily need to splash a big dose of raw candor all over the place, but I do recommend that you at least tell yourself the truth about what's going on.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I think I’ve fallen in Love. I didn’t believe it myself, knowing my history. I didn’t think it was possible. I thought I was doomed to a life of running from what I wanted most: someone to love me who I could Love.
So I made a list. I made a list of everything I wanted in a partner and everything I wanted to be a partner. Mostly it was about confidence. Mostly, I wanted someone who would spend all their energy on me and I wanted to accept it because I. Am. Worth. It.
“Virgo has a secret confidence” – Sexstrology.
“And what if, Holland, you'd be bathed in love since birth, but you'd only discover this once you began sharing it - would you roll the dice?” – The Universe
So, I wrote this little list in my journal, not really thinking much of it. I mean, I believed that maybe when I was 80, I’d find that person. But…
...I was in one of those periods – one of those times when everything is going wrong and I hated myself and I wasn’t treating others or myself with the proper respect. I was taking advantage of everyone and letting myself rot in the process.
“Virgo is the type who are well adjusted to make changes in their life.” – Sexstrology
Well, it wasn’t long until I had really messed up a friendship that meant a lot to me and I realized I needed a break. I needed to stop reaching out to others for what I wanted in myself. I took 36 hours off of social networking.
It was the most glorious 36 hours of my entire life.
When I finally returned, I was a little overwhelmed with some responses and underwhelmed with others. You see, I had spent the night with someone who I realized was everything I wanted. And because I had chosen to be completely honest with them, the whole thing unraveled with great love and respect. I hadn’t heard from them in a week and that’s partially why I chose to turn my phone off along with my computer. I still hadn’t heard from this person so I decided to text him myself.
This was the beginning.
“Be honest and considerate with a #Scorpio. They are protective of their feelings, and a Scorpio's feelings are often strong.” -Sexstrology
Without getting into too many details, I’ll just tell you that this beautiful relationship flourished. Something I’ve never felt before – not infatuation, not a desperate need for another person but a communal sense of worth and respect. I care for him and he cares for me. Even Kyle says I look happier and more comfortable than I have in the past.
I want to acknowledge that this is not the End. This is not what’s going to ‘fix’ my issues with self-love or body love. The process, though, that led me to this beautiful moment, will be with me forever: it will be a new tool for the down times. Hope, patience and, of course, a little flirtation and conjuring, even when I don’t think I can. All of those require self-respect. All of those require self-love. To wait is to believe. To believe is to trust. To trust is absolutely divine.
Now to trust this relationship with yet another crazy semester between two people in two different states…
I don't quite get how there can be so many gorgeous people in time and space, Holland, yet so few who choose to see their own beauty.
Choose this, gorgeous.
I do,
The Universe
Are you kidding, Holland? You're way above average! Oh, go on, laugh.
Christina Hendricks. YAHS.
Christina Hendricks Empowers Curvy Women to Get Their Sexy On
by Eudie Pak
Oct 9th, 2010 | 1:36 PM
If the saying ‘Real Women Have Curves’ is true, then ‘Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks is about as real as you can get.
In the upcoming November issue of Harper’s Bazaar, the gorgeous redhead—who plays the emotionally disenchanted Joan Harris on the Emmy-Award winning show—graces the cover and shares her experiences on how her full figure has brought on a wave of positive attention.
Hendricks tells the mag that during ‘Mad Men’s first season, a fan walked up to her while she was having dinner with her husband, Geoffrey Arend, and said: “‘Excuse me, I just want to tell you that I watch your show, and you make me feel better about myself. I am a curvy woman, and you’ve made me feel sexy and beautiful.’ I got teary eyed.”
Record ‘Mad Men’ on Your DVR on xfinityTV.com
But make no mistake: Hendricks’ God-given endowments wouldn’t be getting half the kudos if it were not coupled with her pneumatic Marilyn Monroe-esque sex appeal—and the flirty overtures she’s been getting from fans of both the female and gay men variety are proof enough.
“Women hit on me,” she laughs. “My husband thinks it’s so odd that so many women hit on me. Gay men, too. They say to me, ‘Well, I’m not straight, but if I was…’ I think it’s so flattering.”
So in a time where thin is still predominantly in, where does the 35-year-old actress get her confidence from?
“My mother never said to lose weight. Diets were never a big deal,” she says. “My mom was always beautiful and voluptuous and curvy, and I always thought she was gorgeous.”
You can catch Hendricks’ proud curvacious self and the rest of the ‘Mad Men’ crew on Sundays at 10 p.m./EST on AMC.
by Eudie Pak
Oct 9th, 2010 | 1:36 PM
If the saying ‘Real Women Have Curves’ is true, then ‘Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks is about as real as you can get.
In the upcoming November issue of Harper’s Bazaar, the gorgeous redhead—who plays the emotionally disenchanted Joan Harris on the Emmy-Award winning show—graces the cover and shares her experiences on how her full figure has brought on a wave of positive attention.
Hendricks tells the mag that during ‘Mad Men’s first season, a fan walked up to her while she was having dinner with her husband, Geoffrey Arend, and said: “‘Excuse me, I just want to tell you that I watch your show, and you make me feel better about myself. I am a curvy woman, and you’ve made me feel sexy and beautiful.’ I got teary eyed.”
Record ‘Mad Men’ on Your DVR on xfinityTV.com
But make no mistake: Hendricks’ God-given endowments wouldn’t be getting half the kudos if it were not coupled with her pneumatic Marilyn Monroe-esque sex appeal—and the flirty overtures she’s been getting from fans of both the female and gay men variety are proof enough.
“Women hit on me,” she laughs. “My husband thinks it’s so odd that so many women hit on me. Gay men, too. They say to me, ‘Well, I’m not straight, but if I was…’ I think it’s so flattering.”
So in a time where thin is still predominantly in, where does the 35-year-old actress get her confidence from?
“My mother never said to lose weight. Diets were never a big deal,” she says. “My mom was always beautiful and voluptuous and curvy, and I always thought she was gorgeous.”
You can catch Hendricks’ proud curvacious self and the rest of the ‘Mad Men’ crew on Sundays at 10 p.m./EST on AMC.
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