...it's an easy way out of commitment. I know that's really fucked up. I seem to be getting that a lot. Well, I still stand by Clementine's brave statement in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind: "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
"All that you need to have, all that you want...will be provided, as if by magic, once you know what you want and do something about it every day." - The Universe
I don't know what I want because I haven't given myself the chance to search for it. Ever since I can remember I've wanted to be loved. All through high school I dreamed about being one of those girls with a guy on their arm constantly. In college I dreamed about being a girl who always had someone to go home to. The truth was, throughout all this daydreaming, I refused to look at and appreciate what was right in front of me: a bunch of people - too many for me to believe - who loved me for being exactly who I was. People who knew deep down I loved being me and they loved me for that. People who would give anything for a moment with me and people who would go to hell and back for me. People who tread water with me, people who got slapped in the face by me, people who I should have been more honest with and perhaps people I over-shared with too often. I've loved and appreciated all these people but I've barely committed to any of them. I don't trust them and I don't give them enough credit. Of course now I'm asking myself why? Why don't I trust people? Why am I so scared to give everything to one person? Why do I say yes one day and no the next? Why don't I have any patience with myself or with others? Why do I give everyone such a hard time when it comes to love?
I have no answers. What I have is a genuine opportunity to step back and spend some quality time with myself: to gently explore and learn more about myself. Here are some things I've gathered so far:
-I really enjoy laughing. Like, from my belly and into your personal space laughing. If that makes you uncomfortable, don't make me laugh.
- I love people. If you don't love people, it may be difficult to be with me because I will always look for the positive. However, let me offer this: many people who say they hate people have told me, moments later, that deep down they actually love people.
-I can be your best friend or I can be your lover but I'm having trouble committing to anything fully right now. I can't love you until I love myself. I don't know how long that will be. Sorry.
-I don't want to hurt people so I rearrange myself to make them more comfortable and then I become resentful that they don't recognize how hard I'm working for them.
-I REQUIRE A LOT OF ATTENTION and I am very selfish (hey, I am an only child)
-I'd really like to trust people more and I wish they would stop taking advantage of me.
- "Virgo only talks about their inner most feelings with the closest of lovers." (Sexstrology) I am fiercely honest with those I truly love. If you find me blunt and intimidating, it's because I like you.
- Having said that, I should probably add that I can dish it out but I have a terrible time taking it. I'm working o it. If you can avoid criticizing me harshly, I'd greatly appreciate it. Whatever you've suddenly figured out about me is most likely something I yell at myself about 10 times a day.
- I'm a huge flirt and I'm incredibly jealous.
-I work with kids because I love the way they view the world. And because they make very funny stories. Again, if the laughing makes you uncomfortable, don't ask me about kids.
"Be yourself as often as possible, because it is this truth that will make it easier to find true friends." - Anonymous
Friday, January 20, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)